"In It ...
Hindsight
I never wanted to say it was hard. Somehow it
was all going to work out. If I could just have enough resources and
supportive people then my boys could succeed. I was angry at people
who said they wanted to help but would never get in and handle the
hard parts, they were always able to walk away.
I could look into my boy’s eyes and see longing and intelligence,
they themselves didn’t understand why people didn’t get them. I knew
I had to exude confidence and calmness to be able to handle people’s
comments and judgement. If I acted frazzled it was worse for those
around us, but if I acted calm and assure of myself then others
around me would be calm and not react afraid or unsure. I would
receive comments that I was so amazing with my boys and they didn’t
know how I could handle it.
The truth was
that I had no idea what to do other than love them and stay calm,
but truly just wanted to curl up on my bed and cry and cry wishing
my boys could talk to me, tell me what they needed, and know that I
would move heaven and earth for them. I realize now that I was in
survival mode, I don’t harbor necessarily any regrets over that but
it did have a huge impact on my relationships, especially with my
husband. We both had to survive and we both handled it differently,
now that my boys are in a care facility, we are learning to come
back to each other for support and help, remembering that we are
truly best friends and have been surviving apart for too long and
need to be patient with each other as we learn to breathe again.
Sometimes this is too painful, I feel like
I have to choose between children and spouse. I did choose my
children over my spouse and that is one regret that I am now fixing.
I am learning to let go of some things and slow down. Which is hard
because I like to keep going, and I know now that I was scared to
slow down, afraid that if I stopped, I wouldn’t get back up again
for how tired I really was. I don’t know why I thought that it was
all on me to take care of, I am grateful for a knowledge of a loving
God, who is patient with me as I learn to rely on Him and others for
support and learn to let go.
Through all of
the very toughest of times I have relied on knowing that Christ is
coming again and all will be healed and comforted, that this season
will pass and something greater lies ahead for me, my husband, and
our children.
I know that there are so many
of us out there who need support and a shoulder to cry on. I hope
through this blog and site that we can become good friends and
laugh, cry, and share together.
I want you to know that
we are “IN IT TOGETHER”! Thanks for listening to
me, I look forward to listening to you!